I wonder if this intimacy that I feel between my ex partner and I was the intimacy that I was supposed to be given at birth. The visceral feeling of being held in safety while being given the ability to grow. I wonder as I sit here tears emerging again in the loss of my chosen path taking myself up anew no longer hiding against what is here, feeling into the depth of connection. It was not full connection even in the terror of the closeness I felt with her I longed for the closeness to find my place and call it home.
Her Negative behaviour felt so familiar like an old shoe well worn as I found myself slipping back into the past so eloquently. I lost my voice as the old shoe felt comfortable the voice I had worked so hard to render again.
Maybe the agreements were too stringent. Who’d thought I would feel like this my heart being torn out of my body with the pain and anguish and yet the freedom and liberation lingering on the edges not to be missed. I had to choose myself first instead of second to her. that changes everything and she honored it all we left lovingly and well. Now my whole life as i knew it is exploding, the Pandora's box now open after centuries of being nailed shut. L fostered the opening little by little until i blew it apart. I have left my old straight life falling away and living into the new proud to be out life of choice, reclaiming and claiming my heart, soul, breath and body through the love I received and the capacity I saw to offer it back for me and for her.