i am not talking about a stage manager or a producer but when living with PTSD and trauma has it's deep impact. So i wonder who lives with disassociated parts of themselves and my own protector parts at times take over in defense of what i think should be happening. I am getting to know those parts well. A simple email was sent to me today by a friend and I took it out of context, ran with what wasn't and was punitive in turn. I wonder when it all will stop for me. I have been committed to over 20 years of somatic work to deeply heal my life. I am seeing clearly and yet at times i don't. I am wanting to let go of this protection for myself and every part of my being is fighting me. More than half the time I am living regulated, i have come up with various plans to keep me on track. As my herstory rears it's ugly heads seeing how far i have come.
This past December i was taken down, made fun off, used, and not believed. Then my herstory began all over again and I literally feared for my life. I was back in Trauma time thinking that "someone" was going to do me in. I could not travel. I asked for what i needed and did not receive it and yet i still look for connection as it is deeply embedded in my being to be loved just not just for me. Those protector parts as i continue to make vast changes, take responsibility for old patterns, acknowledge and change them, and then no longer look for connection and to find it within myself. Because it can only happen here within me. I have spent years gaining the skills on how to life this life i have chosen. I have and see the unkind ways i still continue to treat myself feeling as though i am not enough and i purchase people instead being enough. it feels so uncomfortable to know i don't have to do anything except for being myself or non self. I wonder what it would be like to live a life full of calm, contentment and some joy full time. that is unrealistic. I am happy to have a place to blog and sometimes i fear telling my truth of what really is will not be read and understood. I had a dream a week ago of being pregant . This pregancy was with my x partner and we were having a child together. My pregant body was illumated and translucent. We chose this together and i was happy about the decision. I was in the birthing room and had a midwife. I am going to be creating my pregant body out of some form of art... i feel i was birthing out of choice for myself. There was no pentration to be had I got pregant out of making the decision for myself with my x partner. Perhaps it was the me that has always been here .. the queer/lesbian me. I want to see what is inside of me as i begin to create my pregant being, what is inside of my life while holding all of the presence and wholeness just as i am no part left out.
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