Today, I felt insecure.. and not sure how to feed myself as I ate some fruit and yogurt/ with a cookie at 2:00 am. I had travelled back and forth to Guelph for thanksgiving and i had a great time. Up this morning, thinking what should i eat i am not that hungry and have to leave for my meeting and then, though no, i should have something so i ate a piece of bread with some peanut butter ( which never ) sustains me and once I arrived at my meeting place, i felt some hunger pangs ( or at least i thought it was ) so I ordered an egg with some bacon on a brioche and some tea. once I ate that i felt better, was it hunger or emotional. My colleaugue got the time mixed up in the end and then it started a kind of spiral for me. I was not sure what to do with my day afterall.
I worried about what I was going to eat for my next meal and I took some meal and carrots with me wrapped in a napkin and put it in the pocket of my coat. I have never done this before ever... as if I was squirreling away some food for sometime and worried that I would not make my timing correctly. I live with Type 2 diabeties and what I see now as disordered eating. My insecurity was here and it comes out in food.
i recognized this and i threw the napkin, meat and oh i forgot the tomatoes and carrots in the compost bin, thinking if i get hungry i can purchase lunch. I questioned how many meals did I really have within the last 24 hours.
I am now working with a trauma informed dietican who understands diabetes, disoredered eating and body image. it is all about creating and trusting myself to feed me and feel secure within. but i have never hiddeen food in my jacket as a just in case. Compassion, Compassion, Compassion.
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