New Awareness: My Body is on a Warpath
This morning i woke up and realized that the reason for my grief and my body is in trauma time is not only due to the loss of my relationship ( mutually agreed ) a kind of reliving my herstory as a survivor differently. I was brought up never to choose myself and always be at the helm of other's needs. In my recognizing that I am Queer and my body saying this is true i hid for a fear of being seen fully. In building my first intimate relationship with the woman i chose to be with this opened me up in ways that i was not aware of. After leaving our relationship i am feeling into grief as i have never felt before and allowing myself the time to be inside of it rather than using anger or humour to cover up my true feelings. I am yearning for connection now and I know that it is so important to keep being with myself and walking through the pain to the other shore over and over again. I have experienced for the first time in my entire life true intimacy from a safer place while touching the inner terror of knowing what i could truly have for myself in a relationship and no longer identify as a survivor to change this lens to encompass joy and compassion.