listening: not negating
One of my biggest lessons is to listen and not create fantasies in how i want someone to be, or keep negating what is right in front of me. I have seen how my herstory as a trauma survivor and all of the ways in which I have learnt to stay and keep negating my own feelings, in not trusting myself affect all of my relationships. A dear friend of mine said to me we as survivors try to fix our relationships and it is important to acknowledge that. Choice and Agency is difficult, putting myself first and thinking about me only also has it's challenges As i am used to connecting to others for care. Self care and knowning what my true desires are and my boundaries has been an ongoing practice. I live with younger parts, my internal family who yearns for connection from other. This time last year i was unravelling when i did not listen to my own boundaries of what I needed and I could not keep them intact, as i was looking towards my signficant other to take this over. I learnt that it was me that needed to stay with me first, this was the time to listen to what i need and not throw as my therapist shared the young parts under the bus so to speak. I did just that created anew kind of safety in the place of deep intimacy and relationally. A new respect for me emerged and I learned to keep my voice. Living with Complex PTSD throughout my life has it's challenges and joys. As i can share on this day that i no longer am there and even with my car being stolen i am handling it all well. I will continue to meet myself not yearn and seek for other's approval and learn more about myself, letting go of my trauma history of connection. As i shared i will be sharing more about my own process.