I have spent years turning towards other professionals to handle my finances for me due to my learning differently, and leaning on those people who know more. I have come through a situation at this time that has woken me up to unpacking another layer of my life. Money was always at the forefront in my family. Not care and regard for one another, safety and or living in a loving family. Family violence, domestic violence, was present and what kept the structures in place for this to continue was the way in which money and power were used to keep me in place. I also learnt this well, not from a place of violence but from fear. The basic feeling of Am I enough without gifting to others or creating connection through giving was always more comfortable than being me. Within the last few years my life has shifted and I was used once again by a professional who took their liberaties with me without my knowledge that cost me greatly ( personally ) and financially. I was never seen or heard in my family, I learnt to survive by giving away most of my resources in order for me to feel connected and there was a part of me that did not care and I over spent too. Ranging between not enough and entitlement. What I really wanted was to be cared for and treated with respect rather than being objectified all over again. I continue to find ways to care for myself without purchasing. finding new ways to stand up and have my voice differently, seeking support in other ways that don't cost. What does a compassionate budget, caring budget look like. Giving to myself is difficult my basic needs yes but in fuller terms.
This is an old survival pattern of mine. i will continue to write and share.