A trillion time practice to be able to stay with feelings of vulnerability of the heart.
I wonder why it is difficult to stay with the truth and I feel this compelling need to go back and re resolve what can no longer be resolved in my own life. The inner feelings of what i remember as traumatizing feels so comfortable to me and my own need to not remember the truth relationally is so challenging to stay with. It wasn't that bad, or maybe i mis intrepreted and the feelings of hurt and pain and numbness is so safe at times that is what i have known and I have spent years and centuries it feels like dis entangling this part of me relationally. When i self harm it feels like relief... it is coming up to Yom Kippur soon and I have been thinking of all of the ways that I have allowed others to treat me and stayed because somewhere inside i feel i dont have a right to be treated well. I feel immense Jealousy... and wondering if I made the right decision to leave my home synagogue, to suck it all up and I could no longer do that because I would injest the suffering. I had to leave in order to save and take care of myself and in that place of inner knowing is to trust and this is what it is all about.
Tomorrow i begin a new process of working with a dietican who understands Parts and trauma as my therapist shared today, that now it is about no longer staying large but learning and relearning to care for my body and the food. Eating provides me with different levels of care, and a way to numb out when it feels too much.... even a carrott can do that. Mothering myself in ongoingly. flight, fright and freeze sit at times at the helm. as i also know restriction and a fast loss of weight. I want to finally put this to rest, write about it, be creative about my sharing and share with others so that we don't have to suffer any longer in our bodies. Who's Body what body becomes my body, my temple of choice and respect for me, and consistently. I see no sins only defenses that have kept me safe.
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